Hesitation has a vocabulary.

Do you um, er, euh or aa?

It's a genuine question that came out of a real situation: I was asked to hesitate in one way and not another.

I've been learning French for almost three years now, and have reached that all-important Diplôme Supérieur stage at the Alliance Française--a stage where you have to get as French as possible. I now know French politics better than I do Indian politics. I know a little bit of their philosophy; I can tell you why they don't like Americans; I have a fair understanding of their eating habits and slang--in fact, I speak French better than I do Hindi. And I've never been to France.

Despite all of this knowing and wanting to know, there are somethings I simply can't do. Or that I confuse, anyhow.

One of my professors of French is a Frenchman and after I explained something to the class, as was asked of me, he said: "Well, you have a good fluidity when you speak . But you know, the way you hesitate--um, um, um--it's very British. The French say euh. If you have to hesite, say euh."

The Linguistics of Hesitation

Of course, I laughed. He wasn't really being a prick. I can understand how amusing it would be to hear someone speak Hindi or Kannada interjected with euhs and bons and bens.

But the confusion of knowing how to hesite when!

A month or so ago, when I was at college and not at this boring intern desk job, I had to make a presention on EM Forster's understanding of the word 'fantasy' in the novelistic genre--in English, of course. When I sat down, my friend said: "Don't ever do that to me again!"

"What? Was it that boring?"

"No, the euhs! What was that?"

"The euhs?"

"Yeah. Next time you're thinking of what to say next, don't say anything. I didn't get a bit of what you were saying because I kept waiting for the next euh."

Imagine my surprise to know I use euh when I'm speaking English and um when I'm pontificating in French.

It really got me thinking. The French go on about la richesse linquistique and la richesse lexicale. Now, there's une richesse linguistique/lexicale d'hésitation. Or am I confusing the terms?

Indians usually say aa or so I'm told (My ums are apparently British.). And I'm sure that since we have a diversity of languages, we also have a diversity of hesitation-syllables. Aai, mm, hai and made popular by Bollywood, the very emotional, coded and comical Kkkiran.

Then again, I wonder, do Indians really hesitate? Most of those syllables are associated with irritation more than hesitation. Indians rattle off what they're saying seemingly without having to stop or think; this seems to be the case with vernacular languages, and not so much Indian English.

(J'hésite. Donc, je ne suis pas indienne? --> I hesitate. Therefore, I am not Indian?)

In my case, I have a syllable for written/typed hesitation: er. Er is part of my writing (thankfully not my poetry), my chat conversations, my emails and now, my blog. It is a powerful syllable that occassionally replaces um and euh of speech. Er does not just communicate hesitation, but also, irritation, irony, embarrassment, "Excuse me?" and "You're an idiot."

A semantic flood.

Hesitation has a vocabulary.

That is undeniable. It has occurred to me that I can write a kooky paper on this.

As for French, I think what one of my classmates said after class sums it all up:

Il faut hésiter en français!

(One should hesitate in French!)

***

I live with ums and euhs. My sentences struggle between them, like perfect roses pushing against masses of weed. In the garden of my speech, there are very few blossoms. It is the ums and euhs that...

Er.

I'm a bad, bad pote.